I'm the bad egg. I want it NOW, too!!

HEY!

YOU!

No, not you. You look boring. Or married. Same thing.

BUT WAIT!

YOUYOUYOU!!

You look stylish and funky and like you maybe wanna dance with me!

Well, you are in luck!

BECAUSE IT'S MY BIRTHDAY ON THURSDAY AND WE ARE GONNA MOTHERFUCKING PARTY!!

*laughing demonically, clapping hands, stomping feet*

Oh, how old will I be?

I'LL BE TWENTY-THREE BETCHES!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! AWE-SOOOOOME!!!

*crickets*

....I mean, it's pretty cool to be 23! Right? I'm in my PRIME! YEAH!!

*one lonely cricket*

....What?

Oh, really?

No one gives a shit about your birthday after your 21st?





No one wants to stay out too late because they have work in the morning and then have date-night with their fiancee's?

No one wants to come to Seattle because they imagine it to be similar to Compton c.1993, where everyone has a glock and is going to force you to buy crack and hookers with don't-know-until-it's-too-late genitalia? Or maybe they just can't parallel park?

But...

No. Wait.

What do you mean no one wants to get me any presents?

*intense/shocked/disillusioned look on face w/single tear*

This is an outrage.

This is sick.

How the hell am I supposed to get all the things I want that I can't afford? Why does no one want to see my list? WHY DOES EVERYONE LAUGH WHEN THEY FIND OUT I STILL MAKE A BIRTHDAY LIST?!?

Oh. Right. Because I'm a grown-up now and everyone expects me to buy my own clothes and accessories and food and intoxicating agents.

Just like every other day.

There are no more birthdays. Just days that remind you that you're just going to get older and more broken until the day you die.

WELL.

That's just...

I mean...

What the hell??

Of all the ridiculous bullshit...

In fact!

FUCK THAT!




Not me!

Adulthood can make me jaded about other holidays and traditions that used to be fun and innocent, but NOT my goddamn BIRTHDAY!

I will buy a birthday dress.

I will have fun.

I will have my favorite people.

I will drink and dance with reckless abandon.

Every year.

Forever.

So, with that said...

HERE'S WHAT I WANT FOR MY BIRTHDAY!



New Earrings!

Colored/textured tights/leggings!!

Lacey winter dresses!

A new camera!


Vegan Cookbooks!

Money and giftcards (esp. those Visa ones) are also ALWAYS great gifts! Don't worry, I won't EVER think that you're lazy for not getting me a sentimental gift. I'll pretty much always pick out something I'd like more than whatever you get me, so really you're being EXTRA thoughtful!

But really, I'm planning to have a spectacular day with my friends and family, go see the Tallest Man on Earth at Neumo's, party with more friends at the Garage, then see where the night takes us!

And to anyone who dreads their birthday:

It isn't the day you "become a year older". It isn't a mark of "another year gone", or a "loss of youth". It's a celebration of the day you came into the world! Everything that you are, everyone who loves you, and everything that your life will be a testament of, started that day. The world was changed by you that day. So take advantage of it! Act like a kid, waste some money, dance your ass off with your loved ones, drink too much, and take a minute to appreciate the anniversary of YOU, and the precious life you have been given! Then, when someone else you love has a birthday, show them how happy you are that they were created, and that their life intertwined with yours.

Every year.

Forever.