One of my Psych professors in college once stated that the uprise of anxiety and depression disorders in American culture over the last 50 years could be directly related to the rise in options we are presented with in our daily lives in our advanced industrialized society.
For example, in the 1940's the only cereals that were widely available were Grape Nuts, Shredded Wheat, Corn Flakes, Kix, and Captain Crunch.* There's your 5 options. Pick one.
But now when you go to the store there's an entire aisle dedicated to cereal. There's cereal in boxes, and in bags. Fruity, chocolatey, and marshmallow-y. There's rival brands' versions of the same cereal with different shapes, colors, and prices. Some are on sale, some never are, and some will be if you grab the coupon out of that little automatic coupon dispenser thing. There's corn or whole grain, there's sugar or sugar free, and it's all part of a balanced breakfast.
With all of the trials and stuggles the average adult has to deal with on a daily basis, now you have to spend like ten minutes figuring out what used to be a split second decision. Jesus. What the fuck DO I want for breakfast?
Judging by the way I've felt the last few years as a fully independent young woman, I have to agree with my Psych professor. With all of the other struggles with maintaining finances, relationships, health, work, home/car maintainence, plus trying to be productive with my time, planning my future, and trying not to make horrifying mistakes along the way, at the end of the day choosing my cereal could possibly drive me out of my goddamn mind.
I don't even know if I want to cut my hair or not.** I mean, it is summer and a short cut would be cute... I could dye it new funky colors and it would be all voluminous and super curly when it's short. I could even try out some bangs! But then... I really like the way it looks when I put it up while it's long. I can put it in a big curly pile on my head with a few tendrils hanging down, and it's really easy to style that way. If I ask other people's opinion I get 50% "Do it! Change is good!" and 50% "No, you'll miss your long hair!!" response. I mean, I shouldn't be too worried about this decision because it's just hair. It always grows back. But I can't help it. It's literally been weighing on my mind for weeks. I mean it's not ruining my life or anything, but it's just one more thing on top of everything else. Another aisle of cereal.
I can't deny that I've battled bouts and attacks of anxiety and depression throughout my entire life, from as young as I have memory of. This could be caused by chemicals, circumstances, my parent's fault, or just the way I'm wired. But I think it's only fair to recognise that I've never had an easy time making decisions. I see the pro's and con's to pretty much EVERYTHING, and I'm never entirely sure which option would suit me better. They're both good. They're both bad. But which one is more ME?
Well, that's impossible to know if you don't know "ME". If you're like me, and you live in a world of grey, where you accept that everything changes and almost nothing is as it seems, including "ME", you're back to square one. Always. When I was little, I was all about Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Then in high school it was Honey Bunches of Oats. Lately, I've been pretty into the Kashi Go Lean Crunch. But it won't last. In another couple months I'll find something new, and I'll probably tell Kashi to fuck off for awhile. Maybe for years. Maybe forever.
Or maybe not.
I'm OK with not knowing ME. Whenever I've tried to get a firm handle on "who I am", by the time I think I've figured it out I've already changed again. So... Fuck it. I'll be whoever I want to be, on any given day. My only focus is that who I'm being is GOOD. Meaning:
Not causing harm to self or others.
Not being destructive.
Appreciating what I have.
Making something better.
It doesn't make anything easier to accept this grey-way of life. But it makes things more fair. I'd rather be fair and admit that I don't know for sure than assume that I'm right all the time and limit myself as well as others on the path to understanding.
When you ASSUME, you make an ASS of U and ME. haha. Seriously though.
No one appreciates you seeing the tip of the iceberg once and then pretending you've been studying it for years.
When I was around 9 or 10 years old my dad used to say, "You're so open-minded that your brains are falling out of your head". I havn't noticed a trail of grey matter yet, but I have to concur that my degree of open-mindedness sets me apart from most people I know.
I can see every side to every story. I can take a step back from my emotions and opinions, and understand objectively why a person would do something seemingly crazy, or unusual, maybe even a little "sick". Aside from murderers, rapists, chi-mo's, etc., I can usually find a way to understand why a person is the way they are, and therefore cannot judge them for it, because they are just humans like me.
To pass judgement is to say "I know for a fact that I am smarter, faster, more capable, or otherwise BETTER than YOU". And even if you instinctively feel that way about someone, it doesn't make you RIGHT. You have extremely limited information that has formed your opinion about another individual. You don't know what it's like to be that person.
You don't know how their parents felt about them when they were born, or how much money they had.
You don't know how kids treated this person in school. You don't know if this person was just always the "duck, duck, duck", or if they were chosen to be "goose" frequently enough to feel important.
You don't know if this person had trouble reading, or whether they were an active member of their ASB, or if they were a drug addict for awhile, or if they lost their best friend.
You don't know if all their lives they felt loved, or if they've spent all their time on this earth feeling hated and misunderstood by all other human beings.
The point is, you don't know the events that have taken place to create this person in front of you. All you are able to see is the result. And judging that result by your own standard is a natural human instinct; but BELIEVING, and VOICING that judgement as if YOU KNOW YOU'RE RIGHT, is ignorant, counter-productive, and probably the exact reason that this person became this result you so disapprove of.
Maybe instead of saying "I HATE", try adopting "I DON'T UNDERSTAND".
Then try to understand.
Instead of declaring "THAT'S WRONG", maybe drop it down to "I WOULDN'T MAKE THAT CHOICE".
That's fine. You don't have to.
Having a wide array of options, ideas, people, places, and things in your life may very well cause uprises anxiety and depression. I guess I'll be looking forward to early wrinkles, grey hairs, and extra tears, because I'd prefer premature ageing tied to a neverending emotional struggle rather than putting limitations on what I can learn and experience in this one life I get, just because I wanted to pretend I already knew everything. I'd rather spend my life knowing that I gave every cereal a chance than spend it eating cornflakes and telling myself and everyone else that it's clearly best choice, and if you don't choose cornflakes you're a moron.
If ignorance is bliss, I'd rather be miserable.
*There may have been a few others, I only did about 5 minutes of research on that. But you get the point.
**This post was a draft for awhile. I cut it yesterday. I like it. I look like Shirley Temple.
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